What is loneliness?
Many years back, when I was studying third standard in school.....
I remember one of my school examination days. It was a Geography mid-term exam. Few minutes before the exam could start, I was doing last-minute revision with my friends. Map was the toughest part for everyone in my gang - especially the political map.
The question paper would list down few city names. We were expected to mark the exact location of the city on the map using a black sketch pen and also to draw an outline around the respective state using a colour of our choice. We took turns and would choose a random city name and one person had to point out their finger on an empty map.
When it was my turn to answer, I was able to easily point out locations like Chennai, Delhi and Kolkata. And then my intelligent friend Selvam asked me to point the exact location of India within that map. I froze in panic not knowing how to answer him :D
Then Manohar came to my rescue saying that the whole map itself is India and we cannot point out a single location. But Selvam was not convinced. He kept on insisting that we should be able to identify one single point where India was located on that map.
To be honest, I was clueless then. Luckily our exam paper didn't have any tough questions as Selvam had asked during our revision sessions.
Coming back to the here and now......
Today when I ponder on identifying what loneliness means, it reminds me of Selvam asking me to point out the exact location of India on the Indian political map.
Living by myself in this apartment, not having anyone to ask me why I haven't eaten yet or why am I not sleeping until late in the night or why haven't I combed my hair or why haven't I taken a shower yet - Is this called loneliness?
Or, sharing my living space with another human being who doesn't care to ask me the same questions as above ...
Having to take care of all household chores without anyone else in the house to rely on ...
Or, sharing my living space with another human being who doesn't care to offer help with the household chores ...
Not having someone to share my innermost thoughts ...
Or, trying my best to explain my innermost thoughts to people in my life just to see them making their own assumptions and judgments rather than making an effort to understand me...
Or, feeling a lump in the throat that makes it difficult for me to understand my own thoughts clearly - Is this loneliness?
Not having someone to pour my entire heart into ...
Not having yet identified a purpose that's bigger than me which consumes my whole self ...
Blindly filling this emotional void with random people and material stuff just increases the intensity of this void.
What is loneliness ? I am as clueless as the 7-year-old me being unable to point out the exact location of India within the Indian political map.
