Insomniac Rantings

 Why am I wide awake at 3:33am ? Should I call it mid of the night or almost beginning of the dawn? 

When the entire world, or at least half of the planet earth is sound asleep, what does my soul search for at this odd hour, keeping me awake?

What makes me feel like I'm the odd one out? 

The way an existential crisis could manifest in each one's life could be different. But are we not all looking for the one thing that which is stable, that which no one can snatch away from us, that which will never leave us alone at our most vulnerable moments?

Then what makes each of us to believe that ours alone is the worst struggle in this whole universe?

 What makes us feel different from our fellow beings and keeps us locked in isolation imposed by the weavings of our own mind?

While it feels like I'm slightly touching the boundaries of nihilism, (which states that there is no point to this existence at all), I still do believe with whole of my heart that there must be a greater reason or a purpose to this existence. 

I'm just tired of searching for it everywhere else. I'm just tired of seeking for it in all the wrong destinations. I'm afraid of looking within.

What am I supposed to do? Why doesn't life hand us a blueprint? What's the whole point of this "freewill of choice" when every choice I make seems to bring me back to this same thought again and again?

Having exhausted all modes of transport that stare right at my face, there is still one more, a scary one though - Leap of faith. 

To be explored...

2

What's this that makes me feel stuck as if some invisible force has bound me to experience a certain set of events in loop similar to GroundHog day movie?

What is it that I'm struggling to reach an acceptance with?

What do I really want?

What is it that I'm struggling to express to myself?

What's really troubling me?

What's the way forward?

3

Fear of Missing Out

It's such a pain in the neck. And it's true. 

All the years you had been struggling to build a life for yourself, to become independent, the struggle to adapt to a new work environment, making it through constant reorgs. Suddenly you stop for a moment and look back to notice that you haven't lived your life. While the rational mind could convince you pretty well that you were busy battling a huge thing that was meant to throw your life apart. And thats quite true as well. It's not the fear of missing out. But the pain of what has been missed out and the fear of never being able to make up for it, that tugs at your heart.