I live by myself in a rented apartment. My parents live in a different city. Most of my friends moved out of the city for different reasons (marriage/higher studies/better career choices).
Phase 1: Denial
I was in denial at first. I am an introvert and I really enjoy spending time by myself. There’s no possibility of me feeling lonely. Oh, come on. I am really a strong person. That’s how I felt at first.
My office environment had this fast paced culture where every new goal/requirement comes in with a deadline that it should have already been completed. There were days I slogged and slogged and slogged. But it didn’t occur to me that I could actually look out for a better work environment or just take a break. And then there were days work wasn’t really that hectic. But still I used to stay back at office until mid of the night till I feel so exhausted. Fortunately or unfortunately office cabs were available every half an hour once. This enabled me to stay back at office and keep working until I couldn’t focus anymore.
Phase 2: Accidental awareness
And then I participated in a weekend workshop once. It was about enhancing communication skills. Finally when the workshop was over, I wanted to clarify some of my doubts with the trainer. I had a quick personal chat with her. We bonded very well. She was living by herself too. And she asked me, “How are you handling your loneliness?”. I was shocked. “Loneliness? Me? Ummmm I read books and work keeps me occupied all the time”. I couldn’t think any further.
Phase 3: Contemplation
And then another day when I was doing my laundry and drying the clothes afterward, this conversation kept on playing inside my head. Am I feeling lonely? No way. I am so strong. How can I be lonely? The very fact of acknowledging my loneliness felt like accepting my defeat and feeling weak. I affirmed to myself that I can never feel lonely. But my heart always knows when I lie. I couldn’t hide or run away from the sinking sensation I felt around my heart. Coming back to an empty home at the end of the workday felt so heavy. I could neither acknowledge nor deny this fact.
Phase 4: Overwhelming emotions
Loneliness is just a blanket feeling that covers all other suppressed emotions that are buried underneath. Grief, Anger, Fear, Shame, Regret, and a lot more emotions from my days of marriage and divorce came back haunting me. I couldn’t run any further. It was pandemic. I had to work from home all day, within 4 walls, inside the door that was locked from within. There was no one to knock the door open from the outside. The emotions ran their course. Hectic work schedule and toxic work environment took a toll on my health as well. I felt extremenly weak physically and mentally.
Phase 5: Painful acknowledgement
I had a late night conversation with a friend. I told her that I feel like quitting my job. I couldn’t deal with the stress anymore. She simply said, “You don’t always have to be the smart and strong one. Just accept the fact that you are feeling lonely. Go to your parents’ place. You’ll be fine.” It took me another month to really accept this. I felt extremely burnt out in addition to feeling lonely. I finally travelled. I still remember that day. I had booked an inter-city package cab. I didn’t even bother to comb my hair properly. I just tied it into a messy bun and boarded the cab.
Phase 6: Realizing that vulnerability is a strength indeed
My parents gave me an extremely warm welcome which I didn’t really expect. It felt so soothing. Finally I surrendered to my comfort zone. I watched Life of Pi and The Lion King movies with my grandfather. I enjoyed observing his face reactions more than the actual movie. I realized how much it feels good to watch a movie with another person. And then, my mom kept on scolding me for not eating/sleeping on time. All her scoldings felt extremely soothing to my numb heart. How much I missed this warmth. I took a sabbatical from work and volunteered for a trainining organization. Co-founder of this organization became a very good friend of mine. Though I didn’t contribute in a substantial way, I tried to fill in the void wherever I could. That volunteering work felt meaningful to my heart. How much ever small it was, I created a meaningful impact in the lives of few people and they openly acknowledged it. It was really difficult for me to accept their love, respect and admiration for me.
I went back to work. I had to continue working from home. This time, the difference was that I was openly admitting my emotions with my team mates. “Hey I was having monday morning blues today”, “My mom scolded me pretty badly(I’m 31 years old :P) and I finding it hard to focus on work today”, “My network connection has been painfully flaky today, I’m really frustrated that I couldn’t work on this task continuously”. People opened up to me as well. And this bond got cultivated organically.
Phase 7: Peace
I had finally quit my job and I came back to my solitude. It feels so peaceful to be by myself. I feel like I know myself better than ever. I feel like I’m someone I can really depend on. I still do have unpleasant emotions creeping up now and then. I don’t make any effort to run away from them. I sit with them. And my emotions feel seen and heard, they don’t bother me for longer. I go for a walk in the park and I really feel a sense of belongingness whenever I’m in nature :)
No comments:
Post a Comment