Who am I?

 Imagine you are stranded on a tiny island all alone. You don't have a sense of time since when you got here or how it all happened. Occasional rain helps you survive. But you don't know when the next rain would fall. Despite being surrounded by ocean water on all sides of the island, your thirst can't be quenched by the salty water.

Your life feels like this island. You are battling the scorching heat since God knows when. Attention from all the people in your life miserably fails to quench your thirst. Each time you are so exhausted and almost ready to give up on life, out of nowhere it starts raining, quenching your thirst, washing away all the dust on your skin, cooling you inside out. Just when you are about to feel satiated, you are left alone once again. You don't know when it would rain again.

You encounter such kind souls in your journey of life at the precise moments when life feels utterly unbearable. After filling you with required quantity of hope, they move forward on their path. You can't hold rain water in your hands how much ever tightly you try to.

After juggling through many such cycles of desperation and revival, you start to question yourself.

"What's the point of all this?"

What am I supposed to be doing with all the time that's ahead of me? ( If a thing called time exists).

Do I dig the earth beneath my foot to build a tunnel and escape this place?

Do I grow wings, learn to fly all over this salty ocean in search of my fellow stranded humans?

Do I build a boat, sail through the waves in search of other habitable islands?

Do I set this whole island on fire that someone gets a glimpse of this and comes to my rescue?

But my hands are so tired to do any of these.

I just sit on the shore, helplessly looking at the burning sun and the dancing waves. Even the harsh winds seen to mellow down and get a bit gentler while caressing my tired body. 

I just exist. Here. Now. In this space. This is ME. This is my life. My eyelids feel so heavy. Involuntarily they are closing in. After what felt like an eternity, when I open my eyes, I find that my words have weaved themselves into a bridge that moves through space.

உறவுகள்

இரவு நேரம்

மின் வெட்டு

தடையில்லா மின்சாரம்(ups)

தடைபட்டு போனது.

காற்றில் துழாவி

எத்தனை நேரம்

வழி தேடுவது?

அலைபேசியின் வெளிச்சம்

காரிருளை கிழித்தாலும்

அது போதுமானதாக இல்லை.

எதிர்பாரா விதமாய்

வழியில் ஒரு கண்ணாடி.

அலைபேசி ஒளியின் பிரதிபலிப்பு

கண்ணாடியில் தெரிய

அறையின் வெளிச்சம்

சற்றே கூடியது.

உறவுகளும் இதுபோலதான்.

தனக்கென தனிப்பட்ட

குணங்கள் இல்லாதவை.

நம் இதயத்தின் வெளிச்சம்

நம் கண்களுக்கு

போதுமான அளவில்

தெரியாத தருணங்களில்,

நம் ஒளியை 

நமக்கே பிரதிபலிக்கும்

ஓர் கண்ணாடிதான்

உறவுகளும்.

விநோதம் என்னவென்றால்

உறவென்னும் இக்கண்ணாடி

நண்பகல் நேரத்தில்

பிரகாசமான இடத்தில்

நம் அகத்தின் இருளையும்

நமக்கே பிரதிபலிக்கும் 

சக்தி வாய்ந்தது.

ஒளியின் பிரதிபலிப்பு

தரும் இனிமை ஏனோ

இருளின் பிரதிபலிப்பில்

காணாமல் போய் விடுகிறது.

உண்மையில் நாம்காணும்

இருளும் ஒளியும்

நம் அகத்தின் அங்கமே.

பிரதிபலிக்கும் கண்ணாடி

எவ்வளவு காலம்தான்

வீண்பழி சுமந்து நிற்கும்?

New Beginnings !

 New beginnings are so potent. They bring with them a renewed sense of hope and joy. It might feel a little scary, standing on your bare foot, looking at the sky, wondering if all your visions, dreams and desires shape up the way you desire. It feels a bit lonely since your vision is visible only to you at this moment. It feels so exhausting as you don't have the luxury of external validation to lean on. 

The beginnings always carry with them a unique magic that you may not be able to see with your eyes. But you can feel this magic in your bones. It's that deep. It's the same creative energy that has brought this universe into existence, that has brought you into life, the very same creative energy is now birthing itself, into a new form.

You are here to witness its magic, beautifully unfolding layer after layer. You may even wonder what you can do with your bare hands. Just for this one moment, keep all your questions and doubts aside. Place your trust on this creative energy. Allow it to do what needs to be done.

You don't always have to be the one who does make things happen. At moments like these, stand firm and allow things to happen!

சலிப்பு

 மனதை அறுத்தெடுக்கும் வலியும்கூட அதன் வலுவிழக்கும் நொடி, எது போனால் எனக்கென்ன என்று விட்டத்தைப் பார்த்து சோர்ந்திருக்கும் விழிகளில் குடியிருக்கும் உணர்வின் பெயர் சலிப்பு.

நாம் உரைக்கும் வார்த்தைகளின் ஒலியை மட்டும் தம் செவியில் தாங்கி மனிதர்கள் நகர்ந்து செல்ல, ஆடையாய் போர்த்திக்கொள்ள தேவையான சொற்கள் கிடைக்காமல் நிர்வாண கோலத்தில் மனதுள் புதையும் எண்ணங்களுக்கும் உணர்வுகளுக்கும் ஏற்படும் நிலை - சலிப்பு.

நாம் ஆசைப்படாமல் இருந்தால்கூட சில நிகழ்வுகள் தன்னிச்சையாய் நடந்தேறி விடுமோ என்னவோ. ஆனால் நாம் ஆசைப்பட்டாலே ஏதோ ஓர் சாபத்தின் நிழல் விழுந்தது போல, அது கைக்கும் வாய்க்கும் எட்டாமல் போக, மனம் கொள்ளும் உணர்வின் பெயர் - சலிப்பு.

"உனக்கு என்ன வேண்டும்?", "நீ என்ன நினைக்கிறாய்?" என்று வினவும் அக்கறைக்கு பற்றாக்குறை நேரும் கணம், எல்லாமே ஒரு To - Do List ஆக மாறிப்போக, வாழ்வின் மீது தோன்றும் உணர்வு - சலிப்பு.

பூமியின் புவியீர்ப்பு விசை போல, நாடகமேடையின் பின்திரைச்சீலை போல, வாழ்வின் ஒவ்வோர் அங்கத்திலும் இழையோடத் தொடங்குகிறான் சலிப்பு எனும் வீழ்த்த இயலாத வீரன். அவனிடமிருந்து தப்பிச்செல்லும் திராணி உள்ள தினங்களில், நம்பிக்கையெனும் மரத்தின் கிளைகளில் ஏறி ஊஞ்சல் ஆடுகிறோம். "எத்தனை ஆடினாலும் என்னுள் வீழத்தானே போகிறாய்" என்று நமுட்டுச் சிரிப்புடன் கீழேயிருந்து பார்த்துக் கொண்டிருக்கிறான். இவன் விசையிலிருந்து நம்மைக் காப்பாற்றும் கரங்களை வேண்டி கண்மூடி பிரார்த்திக்கிறோம், விழிநீரால் நெய்வேதியம் செய்துவிட்டு.

விசித்திரமான இயல்பு

 அலமாரியில் அழகாய்

அடுக்கி வைத்திருந்த
பொம்மைகளை
மொத்தமாய் கலைத்து
தரையில் வீசியெறிந்தது
குழந்தை.

இது வழக்கம்தானே என
தாய் வருகிறாள்
புன்முறுவலுடன்.
சிதறிய பொம்மைகளை
முன்னைவிட அழகாய்
அதிகம் பொருத்தமான
இடம்தேடி அடுக்குகிறாள்.

வாழ்க்கையும்
அக்குழந்தையைப் போல.
சில நேரங்களில்
நம் நிலையிலிருந்து
கீழே விழவைத்து
காயம் காணச்
செய்கிறது.
இன்னும்சில நேரங்களில்
அலமாரியின் வெறுமையை
நம்மனதில்
உணர வைக்கிறது.

வீசியெறியப்பட்ட வேதனையும்
வெறுமையும்
ஒன்றுசேர சிலகணம்
தாக்கவும் செய்யும்.

வலி தீர்க்கும்
அன்பும் பரிவும்கூட
கைகளுக்கு
தினவு கூட்டும்.

வாழ்வெனும் நாணயத்தின்
ஒருபுறம் அக்குழந்தையும்
மறுபுறம்
அன்பின் தினவுநிறைந்த
கரங்களோடு தாயும்
ஒன்றாய் பயணம்போவது
விசித்திரமான இயல்பு அல்லவா?

ஒருபக்கச் சுவரை
முழு மனதாய்
அணைக்கவும் முடியாமல்
தன் இணையான
மரச்சட்டத்துடன்
இணையவும் முடியாமல்
ஊசலாடிக் கொண்டிருந்த
கதவைப் பார்த்து

நமுட்டுச் சிரிப்புடன்
கேட்கின்றன
வேடிக்கை பார்த்துக்கொண்டிருந்த
அறையின் சுவர்கள்.

This is not what I signed up for

It has become my new habit to go on a peaceful walk after having breakfast, feeling the morning breeze gently cuddling my face and playing with my hair. Somedays I would come across a servant maid aunt who worked in the PG I used to stay until few years back. She recognizes me after all these years and asks me with concern how I am doing and whether I am eating properly these days. She speaks only Hindi. My hindi skills are limited to "Ek gau mein ek kisan raghu thatha" & "Hindi thoda thoda aatha hai". We still manage to communicate with each other with face reactions and tiny tiny words. She would ask about my friends as well and how they are doing in life. And her elder daughter recently delivered a baby and she is a proud Grandmom now. She shared this with so much happiness. 

It's been few days. I met her again during my morning walk. She shared with a glint of joy that her younger daughter is getting married by the end of this month. It costed her Eiggggghhhhhhht Thousand Rupees just for purchasing wedding clothes alone. (Yes, you read it right. It's Rs.8,000/-). And there were other expenses too. And then her face was full of sadness that she couldn't travel to West Bengal to be present for her own daughter's wedding. One way tatkal train ticket to her place would cost her around Rs.2,500 - Rs.3,000 for one person. Up and down ticket charges for two people would eaily come down to around Rs.11,000. She asked for advance from the houses where she worked. They all had denied. And she also has to work on getting leave from all the houses she is working for. The sadness in her eyes was real when she shared this with me.

I couldn't even imagine not being part of my own daughter's wedding just because I don't have enough money to book the train tickets and that my employers wouldn't give me a few days' leave to travel.

---

There is a street dog along the way I walk. Something about this dog feels close to my heart. He kept circling around the same place again and again. I bought a biscuit packet and spread the biscuits on the ground nearby him. Few biscuits got stuck in the cover and I instinctively said "Iru". The dog listened to me and stepped back. When I spread all the biscuits on the ground and said "Vaa", he came close to me and started eating the biscuits one by one. I walked away happily. Today, I saw two other street dogs fight with him and push him aside for eating those biscuits. They could have peacefully shared the biscuits among themselves and eased out all their hunger. But they unnecessarily pushed this dog aside and fought with him. Later they ran away. They weren't interested in having the biscuits for themselves. It just looked like a display of power that they wanted to establish.

I have observed this similar behaviour in pigeons too when I used to feed them on my balcony. While some pigeons happily eat the grains, drink water, and fly away, some pigeons simply fight with others and shoo them away despite the availability of food.

---

A female friend from my workplace called me the other day and spoke for around 2 hours that how much she is frustrated with her dating life. She had tried dating apps, matrimony services and whatnot. Most guys were either already stuck in their past pain and didn't seem interested in long-term relationships while few were outright creepy. She asked me if I have any male friends who are available and whether I can introduce her to them. I laughed out loud.

---

A male friend shared with me the other day that he is still heartbroken over his crush from college days, after all these years. As she had married his own friend, it had made things a little tougher for him. His matrimony searches are not going that great. He was also worried about his balding hair. His parents and younger brother forced him to take hair transplant treatment and he is now suffering from the after-effects of this treatment. It really felt so horrible to handle such pain. Another day when we were discussing what makes a human happy, he just told outright that he had never felt real happiness in his entire life.

---

A female friend of mine seemed to have an authentic, fairy tale kind of love story which proceeded to marriage despite strong opposition from both sides' parents. They had a few heat-of-the-moment fights which led to separation and the parents took this as an opportunity and didn't let them reconcile despite the guy's sincere efforts to apologize and make up for his mistakes. Even after their divorce, they continued to be friends and he used to take her out to restaurants and care for her so much. But his parents wanted him to get married to a girl of their choice and thus a beautiful love between two hearts had to end up as just memories. She had been trying to distract herself from this pain with casual relationships. extensive shopping, hectic work, and food. Nothing seemed to save her from her own thoughts.

---

Another friend of mine was stuck in a toxic relationship and the guy completely blocked her in all possible mediums of communication. She was so obsessive about him that she used to travel from the city where she worked to the other city where the guy was working. The tricky part is her parents also lived in the city where the guy was working. She used to wait in front of his office the whole day just to meet him once and then return to her city the same night. All this with so much anxiety that her parents or relatives should not see her by any chance.

His marriage got fixed and she wanted to give a guest appearance like 'Nee thaane en ponvasantham' movie. She gave up on the idea and finally moved on. When she got to know that he became a proud dad to a daughter, she couldn't accept the fact that he had moved on so damn easily.

She moved on over time and married a man her parents found for her from a matrimony site. It's just like a typical arranged marriage where the husband and wife take efforts to make it work. No magical fireworks and no huge issues either. She had accepted that this is her life and made peace with it. When making love became a chore on the timetable, all that she is worried about now is making a baby. 

---

Yet another friend who didn't have prior relationship experience went through a similar struggle with arranged marriage. She is blessed with a lovely, wonderful daughter. But she is afraid of her never-ending work and aggressive manager. She used to lock her daughter inside a room while she worked from home during the day. I scolded her badly for having done this. She isn't happy with her life either.

---

There are five more friends with unhappy life experiences in one or the other way. Only the intensity of suffering, story, script, and screenplay are different. Emotions are all the same. 

---

I used to be this naive girl who happily wore her rose-tinted glasses and looked at the world with awe. But the awful experiences shattered the rose-tinted glasses into tiny pieces. And each shard of this glass has managed to pierce and scratch the inner walls of my heart so damn perfectly. It just bleeds everywhere and I don't even feel the pain anymore. I don't know how to inject any medicine inside.

I'm looking around the world to get a glimpse of hope, someone to show me a living proof that happiness is feasible. But all that I see around me are broken people who turned bitter or aggressive. Either way, they are blindly going ahead with the motions of life in a robotic way.

---

If the creator of this universe is listening to me right now, I just have this one confession. "This is not what I signed up for".

காணிக்கை

காற்றின் ஈரம் பருகி

தாகம் தணிக்க

இதழ் அவிழ்த்தது

நறும் முகை.

தீரா தாகம்

தணிந்த நிறைவில்

காற்றெங்கும்

தன்மணம் நல்கியது

காணிக்கையாய்.

காணிக்கை யாருக்கு?

நாடோடியாய் திரியும்

காற்றுக்கா?

எங்கோ தொலைத்(ந்)து

வேறு எங்கெங்கோ தேடியலையும்

மனிதனுக்கா?

தேனுக்காக அலையும்

வண்டுக்கா?

வண்டின் அணுக்கத்தில்

தானே அறியா

தாகம் தீர்க்கவா?