Heart's wisdom

Life is much easier when you are blissfully unaware of everything that's messed up about the way their world functions. 

But life is kind enough to dance on your rose tinted glasses that you inevitably end up witnessing people and experiences for what they are in real. 

And then you are filled with so much adrenaline to change the world for the better. And you may even make some concrete changes in some areas of your life wherever your momentum takes you forward. 

Out of nowhere life feels like a plateau. You are willing to put in all the efforts it takes. But where? What? How? 

You do feel grateful for where you had started your journey and where you have reached now. No second thoughts on that. But you can't keep staying in this limbo and make it your home. This particular phase is meant to be uncomfortable so that you move out of this phase all by yourself. But how? You don't see anything specific in your vicinity. No signboard. What to do now? 

Maybe this part of the journey isn't about flexing your muscles and nerves like Ratchagan Nagarjuna. 

You don't have to play detective anymore removing blocks in your way one after the other. You wish you could close your eyes like Vadivelu and run with a prayer "Minnal vegathula poitu iruken. Edhirka manal lorry ethuvum vandhira kudathu kadavule".

Fortunately or unfortunately, this phase of the journey demands you to learn to listen to and lean on your heart's wisdom. And you are left wondering if there is any special headset available that helps you do this!? 

Motivation

 You may not have done a Ph.D. in Motivation yet. But you had read so many quotes, blogs, books written on this topic. You didn't leave any Ted talk, insta reel, youtube video that speaks about ways to motivate yourself.

It did work. But the validity period expired, and you are left alone looking for the booster dose. 

If you are reading this in hopes of finding your next dose, I am sorry to disappoint you. Even I don't know how or where to find it. And that's the reason I started writing this article.

Ironically, life surprises you at moments when you finally come to terms with how disappointed you feel about yourself and your life. It's as if life had packed a consolation prize inside the wrapper of disappointment.

You don't need motivation. You just want to shut everything down, scream at the top of your lungs, heart, throat and what not! You want to push everyone and everything away. But without being left alone. You want everything to be sorted out as if by magic. And even if that happens, you discount that very thing because of your disbelief that your life can never get any better. You believe that everyone out there is an asshole who has no clue what (s)he does with his/her life. When life feels like a crazy temple run game where you don't know why you are running, why were those monsters chasing you and why can't you hide or jump anywhere without losing life?

Better splash some cold water on your face and step outside for a walk. When the body moves, the mind moves along with it. Get your body moving. Feel the moving breeze on your face. Prepare yourself properly in your treasure hunt for motivation :)

Social Life

Social life - What does it really mean? I genuinely want to understand this.

Is it a collective garbage truck where people throw their nonsense in shiny wrappers?

Is it being part of a group that identifies itself to be separate from the rest of the homo sapiens?

Is it a space for everyone's FOMO and insecurities to dance around?

Is it a soul sucking dementor that forces people to put up a facade and shows its sharp teeth to anyone daring to express a bit of vulnerability?

Or is it even a space to keep venting out all the frustrations of life without having to take any responsibility to make oneself better?

Is it a mirage that promises you to offer every single one of your desires and leaves your hands empty and heart bruised by end of the day?

Is it something we keep running behind seeking validation but facing rejection, abandonment, disrespect and neglect in return?

Was the concept of 'social life' built by the people and for the people?

If so, where did the design go wrong? Why are we doing this to ourselves?

---

I opened my window curtains. Nice aroma from my neighbour's kitchen filled my living room and tempted me to cook something nice.

My neighbours are having a conversation outside their door while leaving home. Their voice manages to tap on the shoulders of my solitude and remind me of the existence of fellow homo sapiens around me.

My phone rings with a WhatsApp notification. I see a spotify song link from a friend. It's our favourtie pastime dissecting song lyrics and bonding over the lyrics we found soothing and interesting.

I went for a walk. I exchanged smiles with familiar faces and we continued walking in our respective directions.

And in a lot more of such tiny moments where we could maintain a safe closeness. I'm tired of the word distance. Even the word itself feels so distant. I don't need distance. I need closeness and warmth. But a safe closeness where one person's wounds don't get to spill on another habitually. A closeness where silence feels safe. A closeness where presence and mere existence is valued more than transactional gives and takes.

I enjoy having this safe closeness in my social life. I may not have much to offer. If my presence can make your life feel less burdensome and bearable for even a moment, I am happy with my version of social life 💚

The Road that I didn't intend to take

When summer holidays got over and the school was about to reopen, we kept our fingers crossed. We were curious about which section we'll be part of for the next one year and which of our friends move in with us into the same section and which ones leave us and get into a different section. Unfortunately, few of our closest friends may even leave the school and move to a different city because of their parent's work transfer. Our little minds couldn't fathom what destiny had in store for us. 

And this struggle never stopped even as if grew up into adulthood. There are no explicit class and section names like '7B' or '8C' anymore. Life experiences embrace us into a warm embrace one moment and wake us up with a tight slap another moment. Nobody knows what each moment has planned for any of us at any point in time. 

Suddenly you find yourself in a deep abyss. Your near and dear ones shout and scream at you out of affection and care (aka attachment). They desperately try everything they could to try and pull you out. But little do they know that the pit you had fallen into was not that easy to climb up from. It's an abyss. Nobody [prepared you how to graduate from an abyss. You too try hit and run strategies and when they all fall short, you sit still out of sheer exhaustion. That's when the abyss starts making a little sense to you though you don' fully understand anything. By this time your friends have moved on along their path. That wasn't an easy stroll either. They had their own fair share of bruises and wounds which they never bothered to attend to.

Out of nowhere the abyss decided that you are qualified to go back out into the world. It throws you out like a PSLV satellite launches the space vehicle that has to move faster than escape velocity and leave the earth's gravity. 

Your friends do see you. But the real YOU feels invisible. When you were in the abyss, you had connected with a different language that felt vaguely familiar and soothing and you forgot other languages. These friends don't seem to speak your language anymore. The one that you used to speak earlier, even they seem to have forgotten it. They seem to be speaking a different language that you don't understand either. You tag along as long as you possibly can. But a point comes when you would give anything to go back to the abyss that felt so lonely yet safe than be with these harsh creatures that just pierce your heart with stones and thorns. 

You distance yourself from the group for a while, trying to get a clear picture of what's happening. Just then you realize, the abyss had unraveled all extra layers that were surrouding your heart. And your heart feels so vulnerable right now. However, the ones who had to deal with the brashness of sun on the dry path outside, they had grown additional layers around their hearts as a self-preserving mechanism. These sharp stones and thorns are quite essential for them to survive. Without that they feel lost outside otherwise because of all the extra layers around their heart. But your raw, vulnerable heart feels as if it was handed over to a butcher whenever you spend time with them. You long for the sweet moments that you got to spend with them earlier. They don't understand why you are distancing yourself from them especially when they have consistently checked on you when you were inside the abyss. What an ungrateful creature you are to neglect and abandon them now? They don't understand the meaning of rawness and vulnerability. They ask which language these belong to and from which departmental store you can rent them out?

Whose fault is this? 

Did I ask to be thrown into the abyss?

Did I ask the abyss to uncover and unravel all the protective layers around my heart?

Did I ask my friends to care to keep checking on me even when they didn't understand a thing about how an abyss functions?

Did I ask the abyss to throw me out into the world again?

Did my friend choose the desert filled with sharp stones and thorns and harsh sunlight everywhere without a hint of water. Not even a mirage. 

Did my friend have any other way to keep herself safe other than wearing extra layers of skin around her heart that clouded her vision too at times?

When we finally got to meet again, how do I tell her I am unable to hug her because her thorns are making my vulnerable heart to bleed?

How do I ask her to let go of those extra layers around her heart when the desert climate is still haunting her?

Why is the same desert not haunting me the way it's haunting her?

Did the abyss really throw me out? Or am I carrying a silent scent of the abyss around me as an invisible shield from the desert?

The road ahead us had not split into two clear paths. It's just an endless directionless path. 

When I myself don't have a clue how I survived the abyss, is it even safe to suggest her to take shelter in that? 

Inside the abyss, it took me a good number of years for me to even realize that I hadn't died yet and that I am still alive. It's not even a wise choice to suggest this to her.

The scent of abyss that she could sense off me triggers her survival instincts and she doesn't hesitate to throw me into the nearest quicksand that she could find. Looks like she has become an expert in identifying where quicksands are located. I feel like the illiterate one in these areas.

My dear friend, I love you. You could never realize how much this heart genuinely loves you. I am still processing the shock of being thrown into an abyss, getting used to the abyss and getting thrown own unexpectedly and I am equally struggling to understand if I could ever get a chance to hug you at all without getting caught in your thornwebs and quicksands and without alarming you with the scento f abyss that's accompanying me?

Where is that sweetness of connection that we had shared once upon a time?

What is this experience called?

Who are you?

Who am I?

Why do I sense that you are about to have your turn to go into the abyss?

If you are getting startled by just the scent of the abyss that's still lingering around me, how are you going to handle yourself when you find yourself inside the abyss?

Is there anything that I can possibly do to make your heart feel at ease?

Relationships

If a bitter gourd does past life regression, it would see itself taking the form of human relationships. And in this lifetime, it has completely accepted and embodied its true nature, and it's on the verge of enlightenment, very capable of writing its own jataka tales, documenting every single human relationship that ever existed on this planet. 

Are relationships always meant to be filled with conflicts and unexpected twists and turns like a tv serial? 

Life experiences sharpen our vision to see straight through any conflict, acknowledge the truth hidden within the conflict. Which is nothing but the other person feeling equally petrified of life. But they let their fears and insecurities do a ramp walk in fancy clothes. 

But to witness this requires laser sharp vision and a heart full of love for someone who also stumbles just like you but in a slightly different way.. 

Why do relationships always bring unexpected twists and turns? Why can't we seek stability in a relationship? 

When we see through all the shaky layers, have patience and persistence, to be carried through the rollercoaster ride, as we eliminate everything that doesn't resemble stability, whatever is finally left turns out to be what we have always needed. 

Two hands and one heart wouldn't have been enough to do all this at once. That's where partnership steps in offering a helping hand. 

Sometimes, two people can also choose to hold hands and let the light within their hearts shine brighter together on the path forward..

GOALS

 S.M.A.R.T Goals have been the talk of the town for a while. Setting Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound goals definitely help us make progress in life.

A goal is believed to be something that makes you grind in life regardless of whether it rains outside or if the sun is scorching hot!? You better stick to your goals and keep grinding - that's the first impression the word Goal gives us.

But what are Goals actually?

Grounding - A goal that's genuinely meant for you, grounds you in the here and now, helping you access your vitality and inner strength. It empowers you and encourages you to be who YOU are.

Orienting - It also orients you to the external resources, help and support available to you. After all, you are not alone. Help is just a conscious breath away. Choose it.

Anchoring - It anchors you to your core. When life's challenges keep pulling you apart in different directions or when distractions just scatter your thoughts, emotions, attention and energy in all possible directions, it's your goals that pull your life force energy to align to your center and anchors your attention to your core.

Loving - Of course. Your goals love you. They are not a strict schoolteacher holding a wooden scale in the hand, waiting for the next opportunity to beat you up. They nourish you with a gentle love when you feel lost in life. However, do remember one thing. They practice tough love. You better buckle up.

Safe haven - When you feel homesick for a place that you don't even know if it exists, don't worry. Your goals offer you a safe space for all your facades and pretenses to be undone. This is the space where you reclaim your true nature. And in no time, your goals turn out to be the very ground on which you build YOUR very own metaphorical HOME!

We are so used to listing down endless demands (in the name of goals) in our journals, whiteboards, fancy notebooks, digital apps and what not. Have you ever taken time to sit with your safe haven and listen to what it has to say?

Do it now.

With Love,
GOALS 💪🏼

Who am I?

 Imagine you are stranded on a tiny island all alone. You don't have a sense of time since when you got here or how it all happened. Occasional rain helps you survive. But you don't know when the next rain would fall. Despite being surrounded by ocean water on all sides of the island, your thirst can't be quenched by the salty water.

Your life feels like this island. You are battling the scorching heat since God knows when. Attention from all the people in your life miserably fails to quench your thirst. Each time you are so exhausted and almost ready to give up on life, out of nowhere it starts raining, quenching your thirst, washing away all the dust on your skin, cooling you inside out. Just when you are about to feel satiated, you are left alone once again. You don't know when it would rain again.

You encounter such kind souls in your journey of life at the precise moments when life feels utterly unbearable. After filling you with required quantity of hope, they move forward on their path. You can't hold rain water in your hands how much ever tightly you try to.

After juggling through many such cycles of desperation and revival, you start to question yourself.

"What's the point of all this?"

What am I supposed to be doing with all the time that's ahead of me? ( If a thing called time exists).

Do I dig the earth beneath my foot to build a tunnel and escape this place?

Do I grow wings, learn to fly all over this salty ocean in search of my fellow stranded humans?

Do I build a boat, sail through the waves in search of other habitable islands?

Do I set this whole island on fire that someone gets a glimpse of this and comes to my rescue?

But my hands are so tired to do any of these.

I just sit on the shore, helplessly looking at the burning sun and the dancing waves. Even the harsh winds seen to mellow down and get a bit gentler while caressing my tired body. 

I just exist. Here. Now. In this space. This is ME. This is my life. My eyelids feel so heavy. Involuntarily they are closing in. After what felt like an eternity, when I open my eyes, I find that my words have weaved themselves into a bridge that moves through space.