Loneliness

 What is loneliness?

Many years back, when I was studying third standard in school.....

I remember one of my school examination days. It was a Geography mid-term exam. Few minutes before the exam could start, I was doing last-minute revision with my friends. Map was the toughest part for everyone in my gang - especially the political map. 

The question paper would list down few city names. We were expected to mark the exact location of the city on the map using a black sketch pen and also to draw an outline around the respective state using a colour of our choice. We took turns and would choose a random city name and one person had to point out their finger on an empty map. 

When it was my turn to answer, I was able to easily point out locations like Chennai, Delhi and Kolkata. And then my intelligent friend Selvam asked me to point the exact location of India within that map. I froze in panic not knowing how to answer him :D 

Then Manohar came to my rescue saying that the whole map itself is India and we cannot point out a single location. But Selvam was not convinced. He kept on insisting that we should be able to identify one single point where India was located on that map. 

To be honest, I was clueless then. Luckily our exam paper didn't have any tough questions as Selvam had asked during our revision sessions.

Coming back to the here and now......

Today when I ponder on identifying what loneliness means, it reminds me of Selvam asking me to point out the exact location of India on the Indian political map.

Living by myself in this apartment, not having anyone to ask me why I haven't eaten yet or why am I not sleeping until late in the night or why haven't I combed my hair or why haven't I taken a shower yet - Is this called loneliness?

Or, sharing my living space with another human being who doesn't care to ask me the same questions as above ...

Having to take care of all household chores without anyone else in the house to rely on ...

Or, sharing my living space with another human being who doesn't care to offer help with the household chores ... 

Not having someone to share my innermost thoughts ... 

Or, trying my best to explain my innermost thoughts to people in my life just to see them making their own assumptions and judgments rather than making an effort to understand me...

Or, feeling a lump in the throat that makes it difficult for me to understand my own thoughts clearly - Is this loneliness?

Not having someone to pour my entire heart into ...

Not having yet identified a purpose that's bigger than me which consumes my whole self ...

Blindly filling this emotional void with random people and material stuff just increases the intensity of this void.

What is loneliness ? I am as clueless as the 7-year-old me being unable to point out the exact location of India within the Indian political map.

New beginnings !!

My new buddies who occupied my desk space without a second thought who keep reminding me to open up only to positive possibilities and shut off negativity in any form :)

When the lovely jasmine flowers from my garden made my mom happy :)

My dream catcher :)

Revisiting Reiki :)

When I found a feather in my meditation space on the new moon solar eclipse day :)

When my dad opened up to me for having an open heartfelt conversation :)

My Garden - my new ray of hope :) 

Welcoming new inhabitants to my home to share my physical space with - my own plants :)

My own meditation space :)

This is how my meditation space started with :)

Happiness is home made Mango pickle :)

Dictionary definition of true bliss? I don't know. But this is the truest bliss for sure :) Waking up to the sight of full moon from other end of the world.

Bahubali level of achievement? This is it. Filling my bean bag all by myself :D 
And enjoying a lazy Sunday evening comfortably leaning back on my bean bag watching my fav songs.

Madrasi da :P 
Dosa on my new cast iron tawa - drenched with a layer of Idhayam nallennai :D

My first slip knot that gave too many knots in the stomach :D :D 

Being in a space where my words are heard :)

That konala irundhalum ennodathakum moment.. My first chain stitch :)

My matrimony profile

We all grow and evolve with time. I have outgrown who I was five years ago. And most of what I had written back then doesn't resonate with who I am today. At this moment, this is what feels safe for me:

1. Being treated with basic human level respect that each one of us deserves, without strangling and suffocating each other in the name of love, affection and care.

2. Life is like a sine wave taking us through its own ups and downs. No one can escape it by purchasing VIP passes. When my wave takes me down,  I don't expect you to throw everything away and jump in to rescue me. Can you stand by me steadily as I deal with my sine wave called life? Most importantly would you be able to not throw any garbage at me especially when I'm dealing with my lows? Your circus and your monkeys are your responsibility to deal with.

3. And when the sine wave naturally progresses upwards, do you have the capacity to genuinely feel happy for me without drowning into your insecurities? I might forget to celebrate my small wins now and then. Would you remind me to celebrate them and be a part of my celebration when it happens?

I'll try my best to keep my circus and my monkeys under check so that I don't unknowingly throw my garbage at you. I am a human too. Whenever my thoughts, words and actions feel disrespectful to you, please bring it up for a conversation. I will make an effort to understand you deeper and course correct wherever needed. Without a question, I'll stand by you regardless of what life may throw at you as long as you are honest with yourself without unnecessarily distracting yourself with useless things. I'll be your biggest cheerleader for every small and big win that life gifts you with :)

With respect & love,

Vanathi 

P.S.: What's written below is not relevant as of today. It's intentionally greyed out.

Matrimony Profile

Believe me. Updating a matrimony profile is far difficult than updating a resume for a job interview. 

The one where you want to pour your heart out, express your authentic self, and want your profile to be a sign for your soul mate to freeze for a moment and to choose to connect to you - This version of matrimony profile makes it look like the odd one out where even the matrimony site owners might ask you to take off your description from their site. 

And the default version of the matrimony profile your parent writes on your behalf might make your soul mate run as far away from your profile as he/she can.

How I want my matrimony profile to look like?

To tell something about myself,

I am an avid reader. I feel I have found myself after getting lost into the words of legends like Kalki, Jayakanthan, Na. Parthasarathy, Dan Brown, Paulo Coelho,.............

I love being in nature. Be it a walk in the park, or a leisurely evening by the beach or finding patterns in the clouds or feeling energized by the sun's rays or feeling calm and peaceful in the moonlight.

I wouldn't call myself a writer yet. Occasionally, there are times when something impacts me very deeply and my hand starts scribbling things onto a paper.

My solo travels bring about memories of the anxiety before starting for the trip -> how effortlessly I was able to enjoy the journey throughout -> the friends I am still in touch with. Traveling has been an amazing experience.

I am FiNe. MBTI enthusiasts would know me as INFP :)

And, I am a Software Engineer by profession. I work in Bangalore. During my school days, being an expert procrastinator, I typically cram for an exam just on the previous day. Somehow I ended up being school topper in 10th and 12th exams which still makes me wonder how it all happened.

My first marriage ended up in a divorce due to compatibility issues. Though it took me a while to process all the tough emotions, it taught me who I am as a person. It also gave me the understanding that one can be strong and at the same time it's ok to surrender to the way life turns out.

A matrimony profile may not be able to do enough justice to express who Vanathi is as a person in reality.

And when it comes to my expectations from a partner,

I am looking for a person with whom I can experience life to its fullest, someone with whom I can laugh at the silliest of things, someone who takes life seriously, someone who is accountable for his own emotions and decisions.

Being an introvert, I need space for myself at times. I want my partner to be secure enough to be there for me while allowing me my space.

Though I am a foodie and I love cooking, I don't mind getting a helping hand in doing household chores :)

You are signing up to be with a hopeless optimist. If you are willing to do a little bit of fine-tuning and tinkering on my laziness and procrastination, we both can create our own fairytale world that's built firmly on the foundation of seemingly harsh ground reality !!

To be honest, I don't know what I could contribute to this relationship. Let me think about it...

As I like exploring a lot about human emotions and triggers, you have an unpaid therapist at home to soothe you anytime you feel even slightly off.

A weirdo who wouldn't hesitate a moment to reassure you that you are the best person in the world and stand by you all the time despite whatever life may throw at you.

At times, I can be a self-righteous irritating person who would gently nudge you toward becoming a better version of yourself.

At this moment, my parents are my world. We can take care of our worlds together :) Having said that, please remember - I need my space too.

How my dad has created it on my behalf?

A few words about my daughter

I am creating this profile on behalf of my daughter. She is currently working in the private sector as a software professional, after having completed her master's degree. We come from an upper-middle-class family with moderate family values. We belong to a nuclear family currently she is working in Bangalore, family living in Chennai.

Dream Journeys...

She was waiting in the railway station after her college classes got over, looking for train to enter the platform. All of a sudden, a police guy approached her and was trying to take her by force and book under charges for trying to travel without a valid ticket. 

Fortunately, another police person who appeared to be his senior came towards them and asked what was going on. She immediately showed them something that looked like a reservation slip with her full name written in blue pen. The senior police person scolded this guy in front of her for trying to frame innocent people. 

The bad cop looked at her with eyes seeking revenge for the humiliation he suffered because of her. As soon as a train entered the platform, she started running frantically towards ladies' compartment. The train started leaving as soon as she got in. 

She always likes to sit by the window and let the wind hit her face. But she couldn't move to the next compartment since the train already started moving. She made herself comfortable in a window seat that forced her to face the platform where all the ruccus happened a while ago. Though she was not panicked, she didn't want to invite any unnecessary issues. She thanked her protective instinct that made her escape the scene as soon as she could.

But the following day was not very gentle with her as she had anticipated. The bad cop seemed to be waiting for her. She took out her ticket and showed it to him instinctively to avoid any further issues. But he seemed to be not interested in checking her ticket. He threatened her that he could use his power and destroy all the evidences that could prove her innocence. Though she didn't feel like surrendering to him, her instinct made her to beg him to leave her. 

He mentioned something on the lines of boyfriend. She didn't remember what exactly he told her. And she didn't remember anything that she had told him too other than mentioning about Egypt and walking away without giving a straight answer to him.

He called her again. She looked back. He looked very different and much younger compared to the previous day. But his eyes would trigger fear in anyone who dares look into them. He asked her if she is that Egyptian girl friend. She felt a sting of panic for the first time. She cannot afford to get herself into trouble by rejecting him directly. At the same time, she cannot enter into a suicide attempt by agreeing to proposal from a monster like him. 

Escaping from him was her only instinct. Instead of waiting for the train and exposing herself to more danger, she quickly crossed the railway track and reached the main road to look for a bus or an auto.

(To be continued)...

Gratitude

It's around 6pm in the evening. Suddenly wind started blowing faster and dust started spreading along the wind. The flock of birds that were flying towards their nests started getting scattered into different directions because of the sudden wind. After a while, small groups of 4-5 birds were testing the wind current and trying to fly to a nearby safer place and slowly one after the other, smaller groups of birds started making their way.

I am sitting comfortably on my bed and enjoying the wind hitting my face through the window and watching the birds making their way through the sudden change in wind direction and force.

I am grateful to this drizzling rain for making its way through my window capturing my attention, giving a pause to my overthinking mind :)

I am grateful to the safety and comfort that my home provides.

I am grateful to the gadgets, electricity and wifi that keeps me connected to the dear ones and outside world during this lockdown period.

I am grateful to my fully functional kitchen that enables me to cook my favourite food anytime I feel hungry. Someone who had stayed in a hostel or PG can understand how fortunate it is to live in one's own space and make it a home.

I am grateful to all the electronic appliances at home that make my daily life smooth and easy.

I am grateful to my journal and my pen that act as a means to let my inner thoughts pour out effortlessly.

I am grateful to myself for making peace with four people from my past who have caused the most emotional turbulence in my life and opening up myself for new possibilities.

I am grateful to my parents for being themselves.

I am grateful to my work environment which allows me to work from home during this lock down period making me feel secure physically and financially.

I am grateful to the trees that speak to my heart whenever I look outside of my window.

I am grateful to lightning and thunder for demonstrating their solitude and strength.

I am grateful to the sun for providing me strength and assurance on so many days when I felt too weak.

I am grateful to the moon for giving me companionship during many lonely nights.

I am grateful to mother nature for everything.

I am grateful to the entire universe for supporting me every time regardless of my incessant complaints 😋

I am grateful to the support I have received from every single person and thing I have taken for granted and have not acknowledged properly.

Inner peace that was evading me for quite a while has managed to find its way to me finally :)

Akriti

1

Akriti was at her aunt's home for semester holidays, waiting to step into her third semester in college. Her aunt’s home is the only safe haven she had where she always spent her holidays. Her cousin Deepthi is the main reason and of course, the comfy bed and nice aroma of morning coffee her aunt prepared.

It was a Friday morning. Akriti and Deepthi had planned to watch their favorite actor’s First day First show movie. She was not sure if she had a nightmare or a pleasant dream. Though she had a broken sleep the previous night, she woke up with a smile. Deepthi barged in with her morning coffee.

Akriti exclaimed, “Deep, You got ready so early in the morning!!?”

“We are already late for the movie. Come on. Get ready soon !!”, Deepthi hurried her.

While combing her hair, Akriti suddenly fell out of balance and pressed her palms gently against the almirah mirror for support and balanced herself. She was surprised that instead of her reflection, she saw a small child's reflection pressing his palms with tiny little fingers against hers. It was not just a reflection. She was able to feel the touch. The kid was looking at her with loving eyes. Akriti called her aunt and Deepthi inside. But neither of them believed what she experienced a moment before as Akriti had a very good reputation for playing pranks.

2

Akriti began her third semester college. They had planned to give a Welcome Party to juniors. After having soul satisfying food, she realized that she has spilled food on her favorite dress. She wanted to clean the food stain immediately. None of the hostel rooms was available. She had no other option than to choose the last room down the corridor which was not allotted to anyone in the last few years for no specific reason.

She was checking herself in the mirror and was surprised to see the same kid in the mirror reflection again. The kid pressed his hands against the mirror from the other side. Guided by her instincts she pressed her palm against the mirror and was quite shocked to feel his touch.

She discussed about these incidents with her best friend Ayan. First, he laughed it off thinking it’s just another prank. But sensing her restlessness, he comforted her with his words.

3

She visited her aunt's home again for Deepthi’s birthday. Deepthi had planned a night-out with her friends. Akriti stayed back at home since she was not interested much in night-outs and parties. After Deepthi and her friends have left, it was only Akriti and her aunt at home. It was too cold outside, and she covered herself with a thick blanket from head to toe. In the mid of the night, suddenly she got up from sleep out of the blue and felt some additional weight on her. She slowly removed the blanket a little and saw it was the same kid peacefully sleeping on top of her with a smiling face. Surprisingly, she didn't panic. She drifted into sleep again with a smile.

In the morning she told her aunt of what happened the previous night. To her surprise, her aunt believed her words without any further question.

4

The kid was almost always around her and became a part of her life. Sometimes she talked to him forgetting her surroundings. This made people around her to question her sanity at times.

The kid always wore the same worn out clothes and rugged unclean hair. She miserably failed in all her attempts to make him take a shower. And she didn't even know his name or whereabouts. He never spoke a language that she could understand. But they both shared a launguage which was not verbal and they both could talk fluently in that language without having to make sound or move their lips. The language of the heart it is.

5

Years rolled by a little. She had a decent job. She married her best friend Ayan. She was not yet aware that she was going to pull a new life out of her.

One summer afternoon they were playing in a ground to despite the heat of the sun. Suddenly, the landscape changed. She found herself in a grassland. People around her disappeared into nowhere. Wind was so cold that she regretted forgetting to take a jacket or shawl with her. There was a very tall wall which separated them from the other side of the grassland. The kid asked her to help him climb the wall and jump to the other side. But the wall was too high. She tried her best. On other side of the wall, there stood a man with a small kid in his hands. Both the man and the kid in his hand wore similar worn out clothes and had rugged unclean hair. These three had something in common which confused her. The man raised his hands into a high-five. The kid was uncomfortably sitting on top of the wall, balanced only by her. With difficulty, he tried to give high-five to that man. She lost her balance and fell down to the ground making the kid also fall back next to her after he had gently rubbed his pinky little finger against the man's hand.

6

Akriti had a feeling that life was not as easy and smooth as it was before. Her dad was in town. They both went to an Art Exhibition and were on their way back home. Public transportation was the easiest mode of transport to reach her home. To their surprise, all the services that had operated to her place had been discontinued since that morning and they were not getting any cabs or autos. Finally they managed to find an auto and were bargaining with the driver. Her intuition warned her not to take this auto and that something was fishy. They decided to walk all the way to a nearby junction and then take bus from there to reach home.

7

Many other things happened which made her think something is terribly wrong around her. She expressed her concerns to her aunt, the only person who believed in what she said. They planned to meet a priest who was an expert in identifying and warding off evil energies. Her entire family went there and the room was completely filled. The priest had asked how everyone in the room felt after he was done with some rituals. Others did not feel any difference. But she felt serenely calm. For a moment she doubted herself if whatever happening was a prank which her mind played on herself. Then, she saw an internal door of the room open(which she did not observe all this while) and the same kid was standing there with a terrified look. The kid started running outside without listening to her warning. Akriti got tensed initially but was completely relaxed to see Ayan standing outside the premise and talking to the kid. Out of nowhere there was a cement bench. Though it resembled the kind of thing usually seen in parks, this one was very peculiar. The kid suddenly lied down on the bench and started weeping. The kid saw few tomatoes nearby and starting throwing them on Ayan. The impression made on his shirt depicted a lady being burnt alive.

Though Ayan never believed in super natural things, he realized this has some important message that needs to be conveyed to Akriti. The moment Ayan went inside, the entire environment was shaken. The priest understood what had happened. He explained to Akriti and Ayan that, once upon a time there was a wealthy man who had a caring wife and two lovely kids. Out of greed, he burnt them alive. The cement bench on which the kid was seen crying is the place where their mortal remains had been buried.

Akriti started getting constrictions and had labor pain. She delivered a baby girl prematurely and instinctively wanted to protect her newly born daughter from the evil spirit but she couldn't move an inch. The kid came forward and held the baby girl in his arms. Akriti’s baby girl started talking immediately and greeted him in a strange language which which Akriti couldn’t make sense of. The priest continued with his rituals trying his best to take control of the situation. Ayan went through a life-or-death situation and Akriti’s love and prayers brought him back to life.

8

A few years down the line, Akriti was travelling in a bus with her daughter, enjoying the morning sun and the cool breeze on her face. Suddenly her duaghter was giggling seeing an angel like figure from the bus window. It was the same kid, but now with clean, shiny clothes and neatly combed hair. He was flying in the air with angel like wings. Her daughter wanted to give a high-five to him and was greeting him in a strange language. Akriti playfully hit her daughter's hand not to stretch hands outside the window. She was surprised to see the kid flying towards them. She saw her daughter giving a high-five to her angelic brother with a smile and carried on with her journey.

9

Akriti suddenly got up from sleep. She found herself in her aunt’s home where she usually spent her holidays. She woke up with a smile even though she had a broken sleep the previous night and couldn't tell whether she had a nightmare or a pleasant dream. Deepthi barged in with her morning coffee and informed her that they were already late for the First Day First Show movie they had planned to watch. With a racing heart, Akriti slowly turned her head towards the almirah mirror and stood froze in terror.

அஞ்ஞாதவாசம்

மகாபாரத இதிகாசத்தில் பாண்டவர்கள் ஐவரும் அவர்தம் மனைவி திரௌபதியுடன் பன்னிரண்டு ஆண்டு வனவாசம் முடிந்த பின் ஓராண்டு அஞ்ஞாதவாசம் சென்றனர். அதன் பிறகு .குருஷேத்ர யுத்தத்தில் வென்று அவர்களுக்கு சொந்தமான நாட்டை மீண்டும் கைப்பற்றி மகிழ்ச்சியாக வாழ்ந்தனர். இதனை ஆங்கிலத்தில் "And they lived happily ever after" என்று சொல்லலாம்.

அந்த ஓர் ஆண்டு காலம் அவர்களின் உண்மையான அடையாளம் வெளிப்படாமல் மாறு வேடம் தரித்து வாழ வேண்டும். பாரத நாட்டின் சக்கரவர்த்தியாக இருந்த யூதீஷ்டிரன் விராடம் என்ற சிறு நாட்டின் அரசனுக்கு அரசியல் ஆலோசனை கூறும் பணி செய்தான். ஆயிரம் யானைகளின் பலம் கொண்ட பீமன் சமையல்காரனாக வேடம் தரித்தான். வில் வித்தையில் தன்னிகரற்ற அர்ச்சுனன் பேடியாக அந்தப்புரத்தில் இளவரசிக்கு இசை மற்றும் நர்த்தனம் கற்பித்தான். நகுலன் குதிரை தொழுவத்திலும்  சகாதேவன் மாட்டு தொழுவத்திலும்  வேலை செய்தனர். சக்ரவர்த்தினியாக மற்றவர்களுக்கு கட்டளை இட்டே பழக்கப்பட்ட திரௌபதி விராட நாட்டு அரசிக்கு பணிப்பெண்ணாக ஏவல்களை ஏற்று சேவை செய்தாள்.

நம்மில் பலர் சமூகத்தின் தேவைகளுக்காகவும் பணியிடம் சார்ந்த காரணங்களுக்காகவும் நம் உண்மையான இயல்பை மறைத்து, நம் ஆத்மார்த்தமான விருப்பங்களை மனத்தின் ஆழத்திலேயே புதைத்து விட்டு ஒவ்வொரு நாளும் அஞ்ஞாதவாசம் மேற்கொண்டு இயங்குகிறோம். பெரும் நிறுவனங்களில் பணி புரியும் என் நண்பர்கள் பலரும் தன் நிறுவனத்தின் பெயர் அச்சிடப்பட்ட டீ-ஷர்ட் மற்றும் ஸ்வெட் ஷர்ட்-ஐ ரயில் நிலையம், பேருந்து நிலையம் போன்ற பொது இடங்களில் அணிந்து செல்வதை பெருமையாக நினைப்பதை கவனித்து இருக்கிறேன். நம் ஒவ்வொருவருக்குள் இருக்கும் தனித்தன்மயான அடையாளங்களை தொலைத்து விட்டு, நிறுவனங்களின் அடையாளமாக நம்மை முன் நிறுத்திக்கொள்வதில் என்ன சுகம் கண்டு விட முடியும்?

பாண்டவர்களின் அஞ்ஞாதவாசம் ஏதோ ஓர் ஆண்டில் முடிந்து விட்டது. அவர்கள் தங்கள் உண்மையான நிலைக்கு திரும்பினர். நம்முடைய அஞ்ஞாதவாசம் முடிந்து இயல்பாக உண்மையாக வாழத்தொடங்கும் நாள் என்று வரும்? அதற்கான குருஷேத்ர போர் தினம் தினம் நம்முள் நிகழ்ந்து கொண்டு தான் இருக்கிறது நம் மனதிற்கும் புத்திக்கும் இடையில்.....