Teeny tiny thoughts

1

Life is really strange. We assume our struggles are unique to us. Yet we come across people time and again who ask you the same questions that you are seeking answers for and make you tell the answers

If our struggles are all so so similar, we are never alone in this.

2

While I find it easier to say "Let everything that's not meant to be, fall apart", my heart secretly wishes to see at the end - a few things to remain in tact, few things to hold on to, few things to cling to obsessively.

3

Is life all about settling down for choices that give a false sense of security? "A known devil is better than an unknown angel?"

4

Sometimes mind's weavings are so dense, that we don't see a little light around. Faith is seeing the light within. (Source: PradQuotes)

5

Sometimes our fight or flight response system runs overtime and detects threats where there are none. And it's so much fun to prove yourself wrong in these circumstances.

At times I wonder if it was just me over-reacting to seemingly normal things.

Or if the possibility of threat was real but. it got miraculously sorted out by a greater force.

6

That un-named feeling where something is stuck between the heart and the throat, struggling to find a way for its expression, oru nimisham vaai vittu azhudha nalla irukume nu thonum, but thalakeezha ninnu thanni kudichalum azhuga mattum varadhu. 

7

அன்பிற்கும் உண்டோ அடைக்கும் தாழ் ?

பூட்டு சாவியே இருக்கு :D :D

Setting it free is the only way out for you to take a deep breath of freedom from the stories your mind keeps yourself stuck in.

8

I remember the concept of Palingu thirai from ManiMegalai. This Palingu Thirai that's as pristine as Saint Gobain glass, allows someone to be seen but not heard or felt.

Is there a tiny version of this palingu thirai that's stuck in my throat which stops me from expressing the emotions that are troubling me and also stops me from feeling heard?

9

My go-to checklist for whenever I feel cranky:

1. Am I sleep-deprived?

2. Am I dehydrated?

3. Do I lack sunlight exposure?

4. Am I hungry or running low on carbs or sugar?

5. Did I miss my workout for more than 3 days at a stretch?

6. Is it a long time since I spoke to a friend?

7. When was the last time I said hi to my journal?

8. Is my day packed with back-to-back calls?

10

When you are the kind of person who seeks external validation from people in your life, and they take it as their life's purpose to make you feel invalidated at all levels of your existence, you have two choices:

1. Accept their judgement as irrefutable one and stay stuck with it all your life 

2. Make peace with the past and keep exploring new horizons while being completely aware that you could break down anytime the sharp remarks from past strike you. Take a deep breath and tell yourself: "Evlovo paathutom. Idha panna maatoma?"

Never ever give in to the stupidities like Fake it till you make it . It's ok to feel weak at times. After all, you are just a human being with all the fragilities that life has bestowed upon you. 

P.S: Life isn't that cruel anyway. It has also given you certain strengths that you are not aware of. Go figure them out and add them to your arsenal !

11

When you are tired of waiting for tables to turn, and there it is - a shift happening (however fleeting it might be), from a position of being questioned all the time, to a position of questioning people in authority.

12

She had always felt like a budget version of Disney princess throughout her childhood and adolescent years. And overnight things turned upside down. The same sweet relatives showed their monster like faces. And it was extremely hard for her to even comprehend it. 

And then one fine day, she reached a conclusion. Maybe this is what being a woman feels like.

13

அவர்கள் காட்டிய அன்பு

மெய்யோ பொய்யோ

அதை நான் அறியேன்.

நான் உணர்ந்த

அன்பின் மிச்சமே

உண்மையில்

துணையாய் வருகிறது.

14

இரவின் நிலவு 

இட்டுச் சென்ற 

அழகிய மருதாணி தானோ

அதிகாலை வானின் 

இளஞ்சிவப்பு !

எங்கும் பரவிக் கிடக்கும் 

மருதாணியின் இளஞ்சிவப்பை 

ஓர் விரல் கொண்டு துடைத்து, 

நெற்றித் திலகமாய் 

இட்டுக் கொண்டது

 கீழ்வானம். 

திலகத்தின் வழியே 

எட்டிப் பார்த்துச் சிரித்தான் 

மழலைக் கதிரவன்.

Insomniac Rantings

 Why am I wide awake at 3:33am ? Should I call it mid of the night or almost beginning of the dawn? 

When the entire world, or at least half of the planet earth is sound asleep, what does my soul search for at this odd hour, keeping me awake?

What makes me feel like I'm the odd one out? 

The way an existential crisis could manifest in each one's life could be different. But are we not all looking for the one thing that which is stable, that which no one can snatch away from us, that which will never leave us alone at our most vulnerable moments?

Then what makes each of us to believe that ours alone is the worst struggle in this whole universe?

 What makes us feel different from our fellow beings and keeps us locked in isolation imposed by the weavings of our own mind?

While it feels like I'm slightly touching the boundaries of nihilism, (which states that there is no point to this existence at all), I still do believe with whole of my heart that there must be a greater reason or a purpose to this existence. 

I'm just tired of searching for it everywhere else. I'm just tired of seeking for it in all the wrong destinations. I'm afraid of looking within.

What am I supposed to do? Why doesn't life hand us a blueprint? What's the whole point of this "freewill of choice" when every choice I make seems to bring me back to this same thought again and again?

Having exhausted all modes of transport that stare right at my face, there is still one more, a scary one though - Leap of faith. 

To be explored...

2

What's this that makes me feel stuck as if some invisible force has bound me to experience a certain set of events in loop similar to GroundHog day movie?

What is it that I'm struggling to reach an acceptance with?

What do I really want?

What is it that I'm struggling to express to myself?

What's really troubling me?

What's the way forward?

3

Fear of Missing Out

It's such a pain in the neck. And it's true. 

All the years you had been struggling to build a life for yourself, to become independent, the struggle to adapt to a new work environment, making it through constant reorgs. Suddenly you stop for a moment and look back to notice that you haven't lived your life. While the rational mind could convince you pretty well that you were busy battling a huge thing that was meant to throw your life apart. And thats quite true as well. It's not the fear of missing out. But the pain of what has been missed out and the fear of never being able to make up for it, that tugs at your heart. 

My amateur attempts at Mandala artwork !!

 

Loneliness

 What is loneliness?

Many years back, when I was studying third standard in school.....

I remember one of my school examination days. It was a Geography mid-term exam. Few minutes before the exam could start, I was doing last-minute revision with my friends. Map was the toughest part for everyone in my gang - especially the political map. 

The question paper would list down few city names. We were expected to mark the exact location of the city on the map using a black sketch pen and also to draw an outline around the respective state using a colour of our choice. We took turns and would choose a random city name and one person had to point out their finger on an empty map. 

When it was my turn to answer, I was able to easily point out locations like Chennai, Delhi and Kolkata. And then my intelligent friend Selvam asked me to point the exact location of India within that map. I froze in panic not knowing how to answer him :D 

Then Manohar came to my rescue saying that the whole map itself is India and we cannot point out a single location. But Selvam was not convinced. He kept on insisting that we should be able to identify one single point where India was located on that map. 

To be honest, I was clueless then. Luckily our exam paper didn't have any tough questions as Selvam had asked during our revision sessions.

Coming back to the here and now......

Today when I ponder on identifying what loneliness means, it reminds me of Selvam asking me to point out the exact location of India on the Indian political map.

Living by myself in this apartment, not having anyone to ask me why I haven't eaten yet or why am I not sleeping until late in the night or why haven't I combed my hair or why haven't I taken a shower yet - Is this called loneliness?

Or, sharing my living space with another human being who doesn't care to ask me the same questions as above ...

Having to take care of all household chores without anyone else in the house to rely on ...

Or, sharing my living space with another human being who doesn't care to offer help with the household chores ... 

Not having someone to share my innermost thoughts ... 

Or, trying my best to explain my innermost thoughts to people in my life just to see them making their own assumptions and judgments rather than making an effort to understand me...

Or, feeling a lump in the throat that makes it difficult for me to understand my own thoughts clearly - Is this loneliness?

Not having someone to pour my entire heart into ...

Not having yet identified a purpose that's bigger than me which consumes my whole self ...

Blindly filling this emotional void with random people and material stuff just increases the intensity of this void.

What is loneliness ? I am as clueless as the 7-year-old me being unable to point out the exact location of India within the Indian political map.

New beginnings !!

My new buddies who occupied my desk space without a second thought who keep reminding me to open up only to positive possibilities and shut off negativity in any form :)

When the lovely jasmine flowers from my garden made my mom happy :)

My dream catcher :)

Revisiting Reiki :)

When I found a feather in my meditation space on the new moon solar eclipse day :)

When my dad opened up to me for having an open heartfelt conversation :)

My Garden - my new ray of hope :) 

Welcoming new inhabitants to my home to share my physical space with - my own plants :)

My own meditation space :)

This is how my meditation space started with :)

Happiness is home made Mango pickle :)

Dictionary definition of true bliss? I don't know. But this is the truest bliss for sure :) Waking up to the sight of full moon from other end of the world.

Bahubali level of achievement? This is it. Filling my bean bag all by myself :D 
And enjoying a lazy Sunday evening comfortably leaning back on my bean bag watching my fav songs.

Madrasi da :P 
Dosa on my new cast iron tawa - drenched with a layer of Idhayam nallennai :D

My first slip knot that gave too many knots in the stomach :D :D 

Being in a space where my words are heard :)

That konala irundhalum ennodathakum moment.. My first chain stitch :)

My matrimony profile

We all grow and evolve with time. I have outgrown who I was five years ago. And most of what I had written back then doesn't resonate with who I am today. At this moment, this is what feels safe for me:

1. Being treated with basic human level respect that each one of us deserves, without strangling and suffocating each other in the name of love, affection and care.

2. Life is like a sine wave taking us through its own ups and downs. No one can escape it by purchasing VIP passes. When my wave takes me down,  I don't expect you to throw everything away and jump in to rescue me. Can you stand by me steadily as I deal with my sine wave called life? Most importantly would you be able to not throw any garbage at me especially when I'm dealing with my lows? Your circus and your monkeys are your responsibility to deal with.

3. And when the sine wave naturally progresses upwards, do you have the capacity to genuinely feel happy for me without drowning into your insecurities? I might forget to celebrate my small wins now and then. Would you remind me to celebrate them and be a part of my celebration when it happens?

I'll try my best to keep my circus and my monkeys under check so that I don't unknowingly throw my garbage at you. I am a human too. Whenever my thoughts, words and actions feel disrespectful to you, please bring it up for a conversation. I will make an effort to understand you deeper and course correct wherever needed. Without a question, I'll stand by you regardless of what life may throw at you as long as you are honest with yourself without unnecessarily distracting yourself with useless things. I'll be your biggest cheerleader for every small and big win that life gifts you with :)

With respect & love,

Vanathi 

P.S.: What's written below is not relevant as of today. It's intentionally greyed out.

Matrimony Profile

Believe me. Updating a matrimony profile is far difficult than updating a resume for a job interview. 

The one where you want to pour your heart out, express your authentic self, and want your profile to be a sign for your soul mate to freeze for a moment and to choose to connect to you - This version of matrimony profile makes it look like the odd one out where even the matrimony site owners might ask you to take off your description from their site. 

And the default version of the matrimony profile your parent writes on your behalf might make your soul mate run as far away from your profile as he/she can.

How I want my matrimony profile to look like?

To tell something about myself,

I am an avid reader. I feel I have found myself after getting lost into the words of legends like Kalki, Jayakanthan, Na. Parthasarathy, Dan Brown, Paulo Coelho,.............

I love being in nature. Be it a walk in the park, or a leisurely evening by the beach or finding patterns in the clouds or feeling energized by the sun's rays or feeling calm and peaceful in the moonlight.

I wouldn't call myself a writer yet. Occasionally, there are times when something impacts me very deeply and my hand starts scribbling things onto a paper.

My solo travels bring about memories of the anxiety before starting for the trip -> how effortlessly I was able to enjoy the journey throughout -> the friends I am still in touch with. Traveling has been an amazing experience.

I am FiNe. MBTI enthusiasts would know me as INFP :)

And, I am a Software Engineer by profession. I work in Bangalore. During my school days, being an expert procrastinator, I typically cram for an exam just on the previous day. Somehow I ended up being school topper in 10th and 12th exams which still makes me wonder how it all happened.

My first marriage ended up in a divorce due to compatibility issues. Though it took me a while to process all the tough emotions, it taught me who I am as a person. It also gave me the understanding that one can be strong and at the same time it's ok to surrender to the way life turns out.

A matrimony profile may not be able to do enough justice to express who Vanathi is as a person in reality.

And when it comes to my expectations from a partner,

I am looking for a person with whom I can experience life to its fullest, someone with whom I can laugh at the silliest of things, someone who takes life seriously, someone who is accountable for his own emotions and decisions.

Being an introvert, I need space for myself at times. I want my partner to be secure enough to be there for me while allowing me my space.

Though I am a foodie and I love cooking, I don't mind getting a helping hand in doing household chores :)

You are signing up to be with a hopeless optimist. If you are willing to do a little bit of fine-tuning and tinkering on my laziness and procrastination, we both can create our own fairytale world that's built firmly on the foundation of seemingly harsh ground reality !!

To be honest, I don't know what I could contribute to this relationship. Let me think about it...

As I like exploring a lot about human emotions and triggers, you have an unpaid therapist at home to soothe you anytime you feel even slightly off.

A weirdo who wouldn't hesitate a moment to reassure you that you are the best person in the world and stand by you all the time despite whatever life may throw at you.

At times, I can be a self-righteous irritating person who would gently nudge you toward becoming a better version of yourself.

At this moment, my parents are my world. We can take care of our worlds together :) Having said that, please remember - I need my space too.

How my dad has created it on my behalf?

A few words about my daughter

I am creating this profile on behalf of my daughter. She is currently working in the private sector as a software professional, after having completed her master's degree. We come from an upper-middle-class family with moderate family values. We belong to a nuclear family currently she is working in Bangalore, family living in Chennai.

Dream Journeys...

She was waiting in the railway station after her college classes got over, looking for train to enter the platform. All of a sudden, a police guy approached her and was trying to take her by force and book under charges for trying to travel without a valid ticket. 

Fortunately, another police person who appeared to be his senior came towards them and asked what was going on. She immediately showed them something that looked like a reservation slip with her full name written in blue pen. The senior police person scolded this guy in front of her for trying to frame innocent people. 

The bad cop looked at her with eyes seeking revenge for the humiliation he suffered because of her. As soon as a train entered the platform, she started running frantically towards ladies' compartment. The train started leaving as soon as she got in. 

She always likes to sit by the window and let the wind hit her face. But she couldn't move to the next compartment since the train already started moving. She made herself comfortable in a window seat that forced her to face the platform where all the ruccus happened a while ago. Though she was not panicked, she didn't want to invite any unnecessary issues. She thanked her protective instinct that made her escape the scene as soon as she could.

But the following day was not very gentle with her as she had anticipated. The bad cop seemed to be waiting for her. She took out her ticket and showed it to him instinctively to avoid any further issues. But he seemed to be not interested in checking her ticket. He threatened her that he could use his power and destroy all the evidences that could prove her innocence. Though she didn't feel like surrendering to him, her instinct made her to beg him to leave her. 

He mentioned something on the lines of boyfriend. She didn't remember what exactly he told her. And she didn't remember anything that she had told him too other than mentioning about Egypt and walking away without giving a straight answer to him.

He called her again. She looked back. He looked very different and much younger compared to the previous day. But his eyes would trigger fear in anyone who dares look into them. He asked her if she is that Egyptian girl friend. She felt a sting of panic for the first time. She cannot afford to get herself into trouble by rejecting him directly. At the same time, she cannot enter into a suicide attempt by agreeing to proposal from a monster like him. 

Escaping from him was her only instinct. Instead of waiting for the train and exposing herself to more danger, she quickly crossed the railway track and reached the main road to look for a bus or an auto.

(To be continued)...